I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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