Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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