I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
