This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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