we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
