I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
