So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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