i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
