Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
