hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
