On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
