Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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