watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
