i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
