I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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