So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
