So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
