So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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