did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
