I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
