i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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