Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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