He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
