Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
