I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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