Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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