He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i think my tv is drunk
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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