o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
