worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Who died my cat blue again?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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