It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
