So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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