Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
