Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
