Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
