Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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