If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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