On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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