we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
