you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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