i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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