high people should be assigned attendants
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize