You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Randomize
