I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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