my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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