oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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