Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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