I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
