census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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