You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
