how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
