dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
