my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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