so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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