I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize