My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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